The Wisdom of Our Eyes United for Change

JANUARY, 2016 

 Seven month ago below my heart laid particles of what was left of my baby resilience. I never realized how much losing a pregnancy could hurt. This pregnancy that I lost  technical wasn't even by definition a child let alone a child i had even met, outside of the ultrasound images I viewed from a monitor at multiple doctors appointments, but the hurt I discovered over the next 6 months was a reminder that dealing with motherhood means a chance of feeling hurt and dealing with lose. 

Today below my heart lays a new embryo, it was a very unexpected New Years day surprise. I knew it was possible that I could be pregnant, due to a Plan B mishap that had to do with my insurance not covering the medication I was seeking.  However, I woke up New Year's morning really needing to pee and also needing to take a pregnancy test because  my period had not come yet. 

I was still tired and couldn't wait to jump back in my big comfortably bed. As I quickly opened the pregnancy test, I sat there holding my pee just until I had placed the test close enough so it would absorb the flowing urine I was desperately waiting to release. Finally, I was peeing and couldn't wait to get back into those warm sheets, I had rudely been awoken from to take care of this very important bodily function. I remember putting the test on the sink while I finished and cleaned up. I watched the urine sock through the test strip while I washed my hands  and waited only a few seconds after the first red line appear thought yes I'm going back to bed. I placed the test and packaging under the sink, just in case my kids came in before I got up. Then I  crawled back in my warm sheets and started dreaming again. 

When I woke up later that morning something told me to go double check that test. So slowly I crowd  from my bed stretched my arms and legs, rubbed my somewhat rested eyes and to my surprise as I opened the cabinet door and reached into review the test, a faint 2nd pink line appeared. I was pregnant again. 

There was a oh shit moment somewhat similar to the one I had right before I delivered my beautiful and talented daughter Madison back on December 11th 2006. The feeling that overcame me at that moment in December 2006 was oh shit I'm not ready to become a mom. The deference in 2016 is that I've now been a mom for 9 years and am prepared for the challenge, but I also fully understand the Financial struggles I'll be facing with the addition of a third child. 

It's not that I doubt my ability to love and care for my children. It's more I fear the world that we live in. A world that puts profits before people and continues to not care about the quality of air we breathe, food we eat and water we drink. Because we still live in a world that allows for politics to be bought. However, something different is starting to happen that helps ease my worries. We have started to see the beginning of change take place in the United states starting back in 2013, but this change must continue to spread if my third child has a chance at a college education and a childhood that isn't surrounded by poverty. 

Poverty is a brutal reality for the masses. The one percent can hide behind their fortunes, buying themselves comfort and a high quality of life. A lifestyle that includes spa days, country club membership, luxury vacation get aways when they are feeling stressed. On the other hand the majority of us face our stress with added worries, our wages aren't  increasing, the food at the grocery stores have been rising, our utility bills have been increasing, and our government policies are  being bought and paid for by its highest bidder. The Democrats and Republicans are well aware how to play this political game. The media has been covering talk of a need for an increase in the minimum wage since 2011. But, both sides are only talking and not acting. 

The only people taking action and delivering change are the independents like Socialist Alternative, who effectively  used the movement around poverty wages and ran a grassroots campaign to elect a socialist Kshama Sawant to the Seattle city council and  got the nation's first fifteen dollar an hour minimum wage passed. The most important number,  is that this was accomplished  in just 15 short months. They stood up to the business as usually way of going about life and said no not for my generation, it's time we stand up and fight for the interests of the masses not the elite. June 2014 Seattle, Washington  passed a fifteen dollar an hour minimum wage bill the first in our nation. 

On the day that it was passed I was in my car driving out  to Seattle to embark on a journey that lead me to the discovery that motherhood was silently knocking on my door. I was traveling to Seattle to do an internship for socialist Alternative, I had personally meet Kshama for the first time in March 2014 at a political event in Chicago, Illinois.  During our short talk after the event, Kshama asked me what I had gone to college for. I explained I had studied Social Work and actually need to complete a 400 hour internship in order to graduate. At that time Kshama invited me out to Seattle for the 15 now conference to be held in April 2014. She also told me that if I wanted to do an internship with her organization that they could help by setting up shared free housing. I arrived to Seattle, Washington just as change had become law. 

Kshama 's advice: 

Once arriving in Seattle and getting settled in I later got to have a conversation again with Kshama this time she was giving a talk at a Catholic church just north of downtown near the University of Washington. This advice that Kshama gave me surprised me, what she told me to do was focus on getting a really good paying job and once I was making good money pick up activism. In reality that is very wise advice, but I had traveled over 1600 miles to help build a movement for change, learn, build skills, and gain insight on how the victory in Seattle was won so I could try to make a difference in some way based off the impact the experience I was to face for what ended up being  six long months away from my own children had on my own life. Life experiences are about gaining insight and painting pictures. 

What I personally discovered was a loneliness... as I sat in the loft I lived in and searched for jobs that could offer me this security that Kshama told me to seek, I also discovered that I was missing being a mother and started to desire another child. I had discovered that Seattle is not a friendly place to people who don't have a college degree when they arrive. It's also not a friendly place to people who have degrees. I lived with several people my age or even younger with college degrees, but no jobs and astronomical student loan debt. Our higher education Advisors sold us this pricy college education with the promise that by gaining a four year degree we essentially would also be increasing our profitability. This may have been true in the 1970 and 1980's, but it's erroneous to sell someone such a big fat lie when looking at the cost benefit analysis of today's college education. 

6-5-2016

Now six month from the the first day I started writing this a lot has happened. 

Iowa January 

I returned to Illinois back in December 2014. Once returning I found activism to keep me busy while I looked for a job. Over the course of 2015 I attended meetings and events with a local organization that does work for climate change. I found a job in Springfield selling eyeglasses along with sharing with each customer who was willing to ask me what I was writing a book about I'd  share the political struggles and gains that have been made for the working class since 2013. I educated people on how the city of Seattle had won the fight for $15 and gave reports on the booming economy that Seattle is benefiting from because of the increased minimum wage. However, it didn't take long after taking my new casual part-time employment opportunity that offered me about 12-16 hours a week that I had to commute over 100 miles round trip 4 to 5 days a week (only about three month to be exact) to discover that my skills and talents were not valued and disrespect existed in my work environment. 

Although, I do enjoy working in optical sales and have incredibly valuable sales skills. This wasn't enough to earn me the dignity and respect of enough hours to justify my cost to have a job. However, this wasn't exactly the straw that broke the camel's back. The straw that forced me to enter back into unemployment came the day a member of management thought it would be appropriate and acceptable to openly talk about how thankful she was to have had holiday pay on her paycheck at the same time more than two other part time casual employees had been present and I felt the need to be an example and stand up and say thanks, but no thanks. After her little bragging at the cash wrap I walked up to her and started a little rant I recall saying you know you shouldn't be talking about your holiday pay when other marginalized employees are over hearing you, we don't get those benefit and don't want to hear about your perks. She walked away called the general manager and by that point I was done and walked back handed her my name Tag and quit effective immediately. I got in my car and that night headed to St. Louis to attend a Free 15now Tom Morello benefit concert. I decided instead of working I'd work on my writing and poetry. 

I found lots of activism activities to keep me busy along with political organizing. None that actually paid me in fact I more times than not always had to make a financial contribution. These contributions included travel cost, membership fees etc, time away from my family. However, what happened in January will always leave another scar on my heart. 

I was woken up new year's day and learned I was pregnant for the second time in 6 months. It was a little of a shock, but I know it was possible thanks to the failures of insurance and capitalism. However, I still knew I'd welcome and love this baby too. I had been planning on attending a putting families first event in Iowa in which Bernie Sanders was going to be speaking. I left my house on Friday January 7th about 15 minutes late with about $7 to my name a 43 mile drive and a car that was on empty. I stopped about 23 miles into the drive put $3.00 in my gas tank and finished my trip to Normal, Illinois to get on a bus full of people headed to  Des Moines Iowa. It was raining that day and it wasn't all that cold. 

We arrived in Des Moines late at night. It was snowing and the roads had been ice and snow packed. I noted multiple republican candidates on the billboards. 

That night I had a hard time sleeping. I roomed with a really nice lady who was a retired nurse and several people on the bus had been retired teachers. Most of these people were older I was among 1 of 3 younger people. However, once we got to the hotel more younger people started appearing. I made sure I stayed well hydrated and brought some snakes. I do recall as I laid in the hotel room being very thankful for my leather jacket because even with all the blankets I was freezing and used my coat as an additional blanket. I also recall waking up at 4 am wished it was 6am because I was ready for breakfast. 

Finally, my alarm clock went off it was time to eat and I was more than ready. I was one of the first of our group to enjoy the free breakfast. I spent the morning mingling and watching local new stations. The amount of political campaign ads  actually made me sick to my stomach. However, I was looking forward to the workshops. Most of my group had planned to attend a workshop one of our group member would be presenting. I on the other hand with my new news of an additional child opted to attend the workshop being presented by these nice ladies from Alabama the workshop was about the rising cost of child care and perspective of the child care system in the south. 

Later, was lunch boxed lunches to be exact. After lunch I sat in on a talk about mass incarceration took some video and picture. I talked to some other people from other states. Then it was a waiting for Bernie and Martin to do their thing and back on the bus for a 5 hour drive back to Normal Illinois. 

The drive back was much different than the drive to Iowa. It included freezing temperatures due to a seal on the bus door being broken. It also include slower travel due to snow and ice covered roads. When I left normal not more than 24 hour hour previously it was raining and not that cold. Returning to normal it was snowing and my car was covered in  snow and ice. 

It is the events of the next week of my life and the weeks to come that have painted a new picture about activism for me personally. 

Upon returning to my car the front door was iced shut so I had to get in my car from the back seat. I thought it would be wise to reach up and start the car and turn the heat on to help melt some of the ice that had accumulated because of the rain the day before. I also tried to open the driver's  door. The door didn't open due to the ice, but it did open enough to create a little crack not enough to open, but enough to save me from what happened next. 

I got out of the car to start cleaning the windows. Right as I got out of the car the wind slammed the driver's side back door close. I didn't panic until I realized my doors locked themselves when I started my car. In a panic before everyone left I told the executive director I had locked my keys in my car and it was running and my phone was inside and asked if anyone had a long stick. His respond with oh don't worry we can call someone to come unlock it and you're welcome to stay at our house for the night. To be honest I was more than ready to be back home with my children and I had one bigger issue I couldn't actually afford to pay someone to unlock my car... in fact I didn't even have money to buy more gas and I still had a 43 mile drive home in freezing temperatures and ice and snow covered roads and I had noticed my gas light had just come on after getting my driver side window cleaned. I looked to my left and saw a big tree and thought I can get a stick through this door and try to unlock my car. I did find a stick and tried it didn't work. Right when I thought oh god now look at me here I'm pregnant broke and locked out of my car and can't even call for help because my phone is locked in my running car that is probably going to run out of Gas. Then a nice young man came over with a copper pipe and helped me pry the door open enough to roll down the passenger window. I only felt a little relieved. I had maybe $0.07 in my pocket my car was on empty and I still had to drive 43 miles back home. 

I recall trying very hard to calm myself and got in my car and started driving. I did try to call my husband to warm him I may run out of Gas. However, he didn't answer this isn't unusual he hates his phone. As I drove 43 miles back to my home I started to ask myself why I put myself in these situations? The things I came up with was because you can't create change in the world if you don't go meet liked minded people. Also, out of like 25 people on that bus I was one of only 3 people who had been under 40 and that is concerning what happened to the youth in these movements?  

As I approached Decatur, Illinois I was never so thankful to not of had another crisis like running out of gas.  I was also very thankful for my friends Kari's gloves that she had forgot in my car several week before this trip as they helped keep my hands very warm on the drive home as I opted not to use the heat to conserve energy. 

However, what happened to me the next morning and the events of week to come where truly terrifying. That Sunday morning I woke up and need to go to the bathroom no big deal until it was a big deal. After sitting down and peeing I went to wipe and flush and that is when I noticed I had been bleeding not just a little either... I had lost a pregnancy 7 month earlier, but this was different. I tried to calm myself and told myself maybe everything will be ok I hadn't even had my first obgyn appointment yet. Plus, it was Sunday and I hate ERs. So I told myself to rest be calm and call the doctor tomorrow. I had stopped bleeding shortly after I woke up. I though this is a good sign. I called the doctor the next day she ordered lab work and gave me a appointment a few days after. I went in  and they did an ultrasound my little embryo was visible, but had no heartbeat. However, we couldn't rule out a miscarriage yet because it was early still. Although, something else concerned the doctor I had been hemorrhaging near the sac, but a fetal pole was present. The doctor scheduled another appointment for January, 15th and order more lab work. 

It is never very fun being pregnant and wondering if your baby's heart will ever beat or if you will wake up bleeding again or worse your body will not do its job and help you expel your failed pregnancy and you may need surgery again. This it what had happened to me 7 months earlier the same day Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President. To be exact I recall waking up from my First DNC with Donald Trump on the TV doing this and I recall telling them to shut the damn TV off as I grabbed my lower stomach because of the crippling pain.